hard day

Today has been very difficult. Bede has been unsettled all day, and inflexible. He used to be like this pretty much all the time, and it’s made me realize how different he is now than he was a year ago or so. With children you don’t see the big picture unless you look for it, because you barely notice the incremental progress each day. That’s true of all my kids, not just Bede.

Anyway, he’s had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, which means I have too. It’s made worse by having no place to put Gloria for a nap right now, so if she’s not in my arms she wakes up pretty much instantly. It’s developmental for my kids to do this at this age – I think it’s related to separation anxiety and learning to be mobile – but it’s not any easier to deal with. Especially in this particular house, where the location of Gloria’s room and the stairs combine to make it damn near impossible to get her to nap. Sigh.

But back to Bede. Since we had to put away the swimming pool he’s been having a difficult time. At least I assume that’s it, since he’s not getting the lovely deep pressure from the water every night. I’m going to get some beanbags I think. They’ll get peed on and drink dripped on and so forth very quickly, so I need a waterproof bag with a washable cover. Also going to get a full size futon for the floor in front of the tv to use instead of a rug. I love my rug but it’s gotten peed on and drink dripped on just like everything else in my house and it’s difficult to clean because of the deep shag pile. If I got a futon the kids could sit on it, fall asleep on it, be rolled up and squished with their heads sticking out while they giggle uncontrollably, etc. And with a waterproof cover with a washable cover for it over that it’s easy to clean.

All of this doesn’t convey the difficulty of the day, and frankly the last week or so. I think Bede has spent about 3 hours crying, moaning and screaming from about fifteen minutes after he woke up to about thirty minutes ago. The climax was Bede biting Trixie on the thigh REALLY hard, enough to break the skin in a few spots, her screaming in agony and me instantly snapping clean. in. two. seeing red and literally chasing him around the house roaring NOOO BITE! while I took about three stinging slaps at his rear end and he cried and cowered. Long time readers of my blog will recall that I am NOT a spanking parent so I see this as a HUGE failure, culminating in Bede reinacting the whole event by biting his arm, saying “No bite, Bede!” and then smacking himself on the leg and crying. Also, “Ouch, Mama!” So, yeah, I feel like a complete and total bullying jerk. I know he hurt Trixie and all but I should not have reacted the way I did. He seems to have forgiven me as he climbed up in my chair and hugged me but he has little psychological choice in the matter, what’s he going to do, divorce me and get a new mom? I guess I need to work on forgiving myself. It’s not likely to happen for a while.

Just generally an awful day. I hope tomorrow is better.

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