I’ve been mildly depressed lately. Some of it is postpartum, some of it is just me. But today! Today I cleaned the house, which is so satisfying. Sean held Gloria and fed the other kids basically an entire box of Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies while I cleaned the living room, dining room and upstairs hallway. Ahhh!

It’s amazing how much my mood lifts when it’s tidy(er.) I have PTSD from our run-in with DHS two and a half years ago. (We were maliciously and falsely reported to CPS by a real estate salesman who wanted our home, which we were renting, to be show quality while we still lived in it. CPS came, checked us out for a few weeks of hell, and then said it was unfounded.) So anyway, whenever I see a car I don’t know pull up in front of our house or even just slow down a bit, my heart leaps into my throat, I break out in a cold sweat, hyperventilate and my mind jumps to “It’s CPS!!! Coming to take my babies!!” You can imagine that this is pretty debilitating when it happens every. time. I see a car. Even at, say 2AM.

So the cleaning helps because then if they did show up, my home is what Sean and I (not so) affectionately call “CPS clean.” Yeah.

I’ve been attempting some half-assed cognitive behavioral therapy on myself every time I have those thoughts and you know what? It’s working. Thank God, it’s working! Every time I think “ACK!! BABY THIEVES!!!” I say to myself “That’s a glitch in your brain, Fee. It’s just someone in a car you don’t know.” It’s helping. I will rewire my brain! New firmware, for Feebeeglee 2.0!

Ah, Gloria is fussing a bit, needs nursies. Did you know she was 4 months old yesterday? How did that happen?

7 thoughts on “cleaning

  1. It’s taken me a long, long time to think that CPS was not lurking behind every corner, so to speak, and I’ll still get a jolt now and then if say, some random car uses our driveway to just turn around in, even at night. ((((hugs)))) It does get better, and you are trying, good for you. Thank you for dropping the link, I’ve subbed and I’ll get back to it. 🙂

  2. Glad project FBG 2.0 is working! I still shake my head in disbelief at what happened. 4 months?? and 7 months for the boy….time, it does fly!

  3. Keeping a house in show quality condition when young children live there? HA HA HA! That’s a joke, right?

    We sold our house 2 years ago…NOT FUN. I told Matt that I NEVER want to sell another house again. I think I’d rather just remodel and add on if we need more space. But, we probably will end up selling and moving again in another 5-7 years. I just hope the market is more of a seller’s market by then…..

    I am so sorry you were reported to DHS. We all know that well-loved kids often live in less-than-perfect houses. And that’s as it should be, because people are more important than things. 🙂

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